I am my own evil twin
2014-10-30 9:23 a.m.
This morning I typed up a sort of surprisingly sad entry with lots of metaphors about the desert and then accidentally erased it. Thank goodness!
TL:DR if I don't have it to give, you can't have it from me.
I updated my resume today, so that's a positive way to use this crisis energy. A higher up friend of mine here gave me some good advice on how to make my life better. On Monday I'm signing up for the gym and blocking some time slots to use it. She told me some other good things too.
Officially I'm giving up this belief, I'd say I cling to it but it's so deep inside me somewhere, maybe in my spine or my liver? That if things get too bad, if I truly hit my limit, something will happen externally to save me. A kiss on the lips, a broken spell. It's not real. I have to save myself.
My kids are so delightful, man. My boy is so complex and wonderful and empathetic and sweet. He scared himself yesterday when he left the apartment (he's of course been told not to, I even tried to scare him by letting him see the door locks but he was too young to care). He tried to open the door again and couldn't, and in the split second between that happening and me opening the door again, he took a breath to cry. He cried and clung to me and said he was scared, it's the first time he's really done that with full knowledge. I was sad for him but also glad he knows not to do that again. First of many, little buddy.
We exercised yesterday, he wanted me to get out the mat and he did downward facing dog except he said I was the mama cow and he pretended to drink from my belly. He did cat and cow with me and then he said "Let's do the chicken," and stomped around clucking. Then he stretched out against the wall and coached me: "Stretch on the wall. Now break the wall. Now fix the wall with tape. Then relax."
My little girl has two teeth now, she dances when you dance and sing to her. Dance, baby, dance.