Some brain dumping
2015-12-28 3:33 p.m.
HELLO. I am coming out of, or possibly going into, some sort of fog, at all times. Right now I feel like land is emerging except no one lives there so I'm talking to you and the wild animals.
I remember when my son was the age my daughter is now, being newly pregnant and feeling like a rusty dump truck on blocks. Now I know I should have been enjoying getting "my life back," as of this month MK and I are finally watching a show together. Something we haven't been able to do since the baby bunny was tiny, it's something that makes us feel like us. I realize it's passive entertainment, but it's hygge.
I remember when my son was the age my daughter is now, leaving him for a six day business trip, crying because I thought it was the end of our nursing relationship (HA) and because he really was too small to be without his mama. And for what? A job that didn't love me back.
I remember when my son was the age my daughter is now, I found a photo of him curled up napping in the center of my bed, face down and wearing a shiny red Superman cape. If we'd started earlier perhaps we could have given him more of a babyhood. I should baby him more, he talks like a seven year old but he's three.
He got into trouble with us last night over and over again from being overtired and unable to resist throwing things. When I went to have a chat with him about not kicking his baby sister in the stomach, sweetie, darling, we don't do that, what are feet for, he said "Walking, and... only walking. What are fingernails for? I want to talk more about other things."
All MK and I seem to do anymore is laundry and cooking. We're two adults and two tiny tots, how in the world do we need to grocery shop and cook so much? The kids often won't eat much but when they do I want to do a victory lap. When they eat fish I feel like I've won the gold. When I cook something I consider to be very kid-friendly and yet extremely time consuming, like homemade mac and cheese with bechamel sauce, and they lick it but won't touch it, well. Mama does some real deep breathing.
My daughter is now talking in small sentences. I did it! I want that! Want baba NOW. Please? What? When did this happen. You stop it and be my baby.
All my problems are hormonal. PMS. Post partum depression. Breastfeeding blues. Thyroid imbalance. And now maybe perimenopause? Could it be? My cycles are so jacked up, why is it 32 days one month and 19 another? Did I squeak my girl in under the biological wire, I'm thinking my babies are too big I need another baby, at the same time I'm thinking I CANNOT DO THIS NOW nevermind AGAIN but holding these perfectly right-sized for my arms kids, now that I feel like I reasonably know what to expect and have lost some of the primal fears around it... and my extensive baby carrier collection... but no.
MK and I are watching a show together again and I can take a deep breath again sometimes and not jump at every scream.