must be fine cause my heart's still beating

2008-05-09 12:45 p.m.

I got totally guilted by my grandma the other day. One, I completely deserve it. I haven't written her lately and there's no excuse for not taking five minutes to say hi to your grandma, should you be lucky enough to have one remaining. Or your mom, but that's a whole other thing.

Two though: It had been TWO DAYS. I don't get more than two days to respond? What if I'm sick? Busy? Possibly dead? Three: she sent me a one liner: "Have I offended you?"

I ate crow and sent her an apologetic email and tongue in cheek said "I guess I'm a bad granddaughter, please forgive me." She wrote back "I forgive you. I miss you."

I GET IT I AM A BAD PERSON.

Four: I still haven't written back with a proper update. Five: not indulging it doesn't change the behavior.

OK so my mother. We're in a who will cave and call first war. She sends me messages through my little brother that I never call. Except whenever I do she sighs and acts so bummed out and lonely and I know, I know what she is doing, she is being mean to me, punishing me, being passive-aggressive because I don't live closer. Calling doesn't help. Moving home wouldn't help. Nothing will ever be enough for her. Hello, in five minutes she will be laughing with the grandkids. And my brothers have two more on the way. Push push, pull pull. This is how these women operate. I do the same thing I'm sure. I hope to a lesser degree. I fight it. All the time. Victim victim, who is more victim than me, NO ONE is who. At least I have a sense of humor about my martyrdom.

And through Wall's chink, poor souls, they are content
To whisper.

Our mothers, we lost an important part of them too, it just wasn't apparent at the time. But I'm not sure if anything would be different. Maybe she'd still be funny.

I got a manicure for the first time at age 22. I showed my mom across the table, wiggled my fingers at her and mouthed "Five dollars!" She wiggled her bare nails back and held up her thumb and forefinger in a circle, and mouthed "Zero!" I still can't tell the difference between comedy and tragedy.

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