some things that make me sad, a diary
2015-01-13 4:34 p.m.
1) K and I had some cross words because we were talking about our son's upcoming third. THIRD. Birthday. He knows what birthdays are now and I want him to have a party because he is so thrilled by playing the "here's a present for you" game. It's always something with something in it. A hat with a lego. A plastic fishbowl with a hair tie. Anyway K said I want to have a birthday party for myself (!) and that they aren't fun for anyone. If you don't want to get called a bad name maybe don't say stuff like that.
2) We did get to go to dinner when my mom was here. It was nice. We hadn't gone since April. That's a long time.
3) I need to make some goals around finding a new job.
4) I have been spending more time on my appearance and gotten some compliments and some comments that I am skinnier (only by 5 pounds so that's not real).
5) My boy told me "I DON'T love you," and even though he 100% didn't mean it, it stayed with me. Later that day he kept saying he loved me so much, threw his arms around me, I'm so pretty, I smell so good. But it's coming. The separation. He's trying it on.
6) The girl is so sweet and so big. My last baby? I'm sad about the bigness even as I delight in her hand clapping, her raspberries, her la la la la and clicks and dancing and wiggling, and how she feeds herself pear, intently, with a serious face and clenched fists and chubby wrists.
7) I am hating my 39 year old face.
8) I got groped on the subway.
9) Tonight I want to make kale chips but I have both kids. Is that too ambitious? She asked no one.