showing up

2015-08-03 3:08 p.m.

Lisa-Jo Baker, who is my internet mom even though she doesn't know it, says writing is showing up and challenges us to show up for ourselves for the next ten days. Well, ok. What would it look like if I didn't come here only in dire straights, pouring my desperation into this little box? I'll show up for myself for the next ten days.

(...is this day one or day zero?)

In my last entry I wrote about being depleted. That hasn't changed. Now on top of the other signs, the baby and I have thrush.

I know I need sleep but my daughter doesn't agree, my husband (insert disclaimer so no one thinks I'm bashing him - I'm not - he does a lot for our family and for me, but he'd be the first to admit he has his own priorities) doesn't see why more than one person's sleep should be disturbed at once. I am distraught by my spare tire and how it impacts my shopping choices.

I emailed my nutritionist about how I outright ate an entire pint of ice cream and called it an ice cream hug. Real life texts:

Friend: Do you need a hug?
Me: No, my ice cream is hugging me.

THIS IS A PROBLEM. She offered me a free call and spent AN HOUR of her personal and very valuable time because I guess I sounded desperate.

The only way up is through, yeah? So her prescription was NOT eating better or going to the gym. She told me to start being more firm with my family and putting myself first and being ok with them dealing with stuff on their own or having to wait. They don't have to like it, I guess. This goes along with my issue of being responsible for everyone's happiness, which, hello, still unresolved.

The thing is, I agree with you that it'd be nice if we were all responsible for each others' happiness. It'd be nice. But it means everyone would have to play by the same rules and that's just not human nature, no matter how much you wish it was.

So subcategory, sleep training, not sure how to do that. She also wants me to get my babysitter to step up and do what other babysitters do like laundry and make the kids' meals. She was so mad about it she wanted to call my sitter for me. Eek! Do not call my sitter! The thing is, right after this happened we had some bullshit confusion about a day off she took as a vacation day (we thought) and a paid personal day (she thought, for some reason, even though that's not in our agreement). I will cover it not because I think she is owed that extra money (she is not), nor because I am nice (I am not), but because I want to say look, this is it, now everything is going in writing because I should have done this three years ago. And if she's not ok with that I am entirely ok with getting another babysitter. One who doesn't stress me out.

K thanks.

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Last update 10 2014
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