you said i was your blue, blue baby

2014-09-09 9:18 a.m.

It's been a hard week at our house. Lalala my period came back last month and I am hormonal and expecting it today so I'm prepared but miserable, the baby's teething. The toddler shamed me last night while I was stressing about his bedtime and being firm with him - he took my face in his hands and said, "Be nice, Mama. You yelling." I wasn't, in fact, yelling, but I was NOT being nice. But neither was he, so. We both got nice after that. Thank you, my sweet son, I am so so so sorry.

The night before last was Total Despair, not a big fight but, it felt unendingly hopeless. Monday morning I cried on the way to work, over the Manhattan Bridge, behind my sunglasses. Today is better.

The thoughts that cross my mind in my worst moments are not the whole truth. They feel real enough in the moment. I waited so long, and then I waited two years more. No one else showed up. What will I do with my one wild and precious life? It's too late. This is what I'm doing. If it's not big enough, too bad. I tried. Anyway you think my religion is crazy. My brother died and I had to do something because it'll be my turn before I know it.

No one gets to ask me that. I'll take half instead of nothing and I don't care what that makes me, even if I have to cry about it on my way to work.

I would never say that to you and mean it. But sometimes I need my own punch in the face to keep me awake.

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