bear pilot hug time

2008-10-10 2:06 a.m.

I have a new rule which is "no computer time one hour before bed, no sleeping near the cell phone, hookers out by 2 am." Just kidding about the hookers. They have till dawn. I'm breaking the rule tonight and killing my sleep because every time I go away for a couple of days I get ants in my pants about what I'm forgetting. I pace from room to room gathering the exact amount of necessary q-tips, chanting "pack pajamas, pack pajamas" so I'll remember, angsting over books I will bring but not read.

My little sister's here on the couch, she curled up on my bed with me earlier to request songs and be nosy about what blogs I read, and I'd let her stay if I thought I'd get any kind of good sleep. She takes up the whole bed and has since she was a baby. Tonight I apologized to her for the time I got curious about how her brain worked (I was twelve, she was two) and I lay there with my eyes closed and when she called my name I didn't respond, to see how she'd react. I'm not a monster, as soon as I heard one sniffle I sprang up to give her a hug. I didn't mean to torture her but I didn't like myself for it and have always felt bad about scaring her. She told me not to worry about it.

Yesterday I was walking to the subway with MK and I saw a pretty little black cat lying behind the wheel of a parked SUV. Her eyes were open but her neck was at a funny angle and I said "Is that cat breathing?" and he said mock-patronizingly "It's just sleeping," and then I realized and I burst into tears. Why did I feel so sad about that cat, the futility and loss, when I usually shrug it off as something that happens, when I can't muster up interest in the news about people in war and storms, or enough empathy for those fighting their own demons? Because she didn't yet look like something to be removed, because at first I thought it was the cat who sits defiantly on the stoop painted with the words "NO SITTING?" Why do I assume it's a she, is that a bad sign? That little cat reminded me of everything. I hope she had a good life, and it's not impossible that she did. Go in peace, small cat.

In the Atlanta airport on my way home on Monday I had just hugged Traci goodbye and was walking quickly back to my gate in another terminal. One of the people who try to get you to sign up for a credit card said "You fly Delta?" and I thought at first he needed to tell me something about my flight, but then he said "Give me a hug," and I was in some kind of trance where I felt like I should obey and a hug would feel good, plus I was in hug mode from seeing my friends. Then he handed me a teddy bear with goggles and a leather jacket and a SCARF that said American Express and I was like "Oh he is scamming me" and I didn't care because man that bear is cute. I am such a girl. Clipboard guy complimented my socks lookin' all cute and matching my scarf, I didn't think he'd notice did I? and said I should put down what school I go to on the application. Ha. Ha. Because I look sooo young and girls love hearing that. I started to get annoyed and fidgety about getting my plane and juggling my stuff, but he could sense it and he said "You so cluttered," (what, that is WHAT HE SAID) and finished the application for me and I signed it without even reading the fine print. The joke is on him because that bear is going to my two year old nephew and I am going to cancel that card as soon as it arrives and besides, I already have that same awards card. Which I will stop using because a rep told me two weeks ago that the Blue gives you much better points. I have traveled a lot but I am still dumb about going ahead and talking to people who talk to me - generally those are the people to avoid. Oh well - the baby is getting a really cute bear who will protect all my loved ones who fly.

Last eight